They called me a lunatic. They said I was a fool, but I was there I tell ya. They said "look at the crazy old bum." Well, I might be a little eccentric, but I ain't crazy.
Y'see, these kids lived down in the junkyard that fat fuck ran. They had a sweet setup - a bit hard to believe how clever that setup was - but I guess them Gilligan's Island people did some crazy, ingenious shit too. These kids are real connivers, scamps. They eke out an existence by themselves cause their folks went crazy.
Older bro Fred, see he's a wildcat - fuckin' round with the local homeless; stealin', scammin', whatever floats his boat. But the younger kid Kevin, he ain't so good at it, so his older bro gets down on him. The little kid also hangs with this cute Asian chick (She got a crush on him, so I hear. Can't imagine how that works him bein' all filthy and whatnot) that's employed by the junkyard.
Across the fence though, is this wack-job Bronson - a real Vietnam headcase who runs the bum show. They let him push 'em around cause he's meaner than a cock-punched wolverine (he scared the shit outta me, lemme tell 'ya). He's got lieutenants like Wizzy; all nasty nutjob drunks. Don't blame 'em neither.
So this fat fuck Ed who runs the cheapie liquor store finds this crate of shit - Tenafly Viper - in his basement. Shit's gotta be 60 fuckin' years old. He sells it cheap. The real trouble starts when Fred pinches a bottle of it.
Turns out the shit's toxic (thought things got better with age, guess not cheap-jack liquor). Fred's bottle gets swiped by Paulie, one of Bronson's charges. He hides out on this old toilet, and from what I heard he just melts into this multicolored goo. Messed up shit!
From there, everything goes to shit. We got a he-man cop rovin' the streets, lookin' to put the squeeze on Bronson. Crazy mobsters and their drunken girlfriends runnin' around the place. Hell, some poor SOB even gets his John Hancock lopped off, and the nasty assholes play fuckin' keep away. Can you believe it!
I tell you, it may not be the most coherent shit I ever heard, but it sure is a crazy time. I wouldn't believed it if I ain't seen it with my own eyes. It's a gruesome spectacle, but one that I'll never forget. Swear to Holy Christ, if they ever made a movie about it, I'd probably watch it. Although I can't imagine it would make much sense, but I bet they'd get good special effects an' hopefully cast actors that don't suck at all.
I ain't yankin' your chain. It's all the Goddamn truth. I was there to see it. Not a bad little story, eh. Now, how about it bud, can you spare some change?
Friday, December 12, 2008
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
I inquire, I respond.
What was the most frustrating moment in your life (or embarrassing if you don’t mind divulging anonymously to strangers)?
Getting a DWI test across the street from the liquor store was pretty embarrassing (I was sober).
If you were a color, what color would you be? Why?
Navy blue or twilight - so I could blend in with the night when I stood by open water.
What has been the most influential object in your life?
My stereo.
What would be on the soundtrack to your life (5 songs with band)?
Concrete Jungle (The Specials). Tools of the Trade (Carcass). State of Fear (State of Fear). Seaweed (The Gits). Kinda Blue (Miles Davis).
How do you react to authority when cornered?
Begrudging respect or moderate annoyance is my typical response (depending on who said authority is).
If you had to die in a malevolent fashion (i.e.) murder, violent accident, natural disaster, etc.), how would you choose to go?
Nuked!
What movie have you seen the most often?
Ghostbusters.
Do you carry a defensive weapon (if yes, what is it?)?
I have a hammer in my car.
If you could have any useful device cybernetically implanted, what would it be and why?
I'd rather not be a cyborg.
Would you be a tornado chaser?
Unquestionably - hells yeah!
Do you have a nemesis (a nemesis being someone close to you, but in competition with you) and/or do you have an arch-fiend (being someone who hates and wants to fucking destroy you)?
I don't really have a nemesis, except life at times. My arch enemy is Marcus Nispel (for that awful Texas Chain Saw remake), although he may redeem himself with the Friday remake. Remains to be seen.
Getting a DWI test across the street from the liquor store was pretty embarrassing (I was sober).
If you were a color, what color would you be? Why?
Navy blue or twilight - so I could blend in with the night when I stood by open water.
What has been the most influential object in your life?
My stereo.
What would be on the soundtrack to your life (5 songs with band)?
Concrete Jungle (The Specials). Tools of the Trade (Carcass). State of Fear (State of Fear). Seaweed (The Gits). Kinda Blue (Miles Davis).
How do you react to authority when cornered?
Begrudging respect or moderate annoyance is my typical response (depending on who said authority is).
If you had to die in a malevolent fashion (i.e.) murder, violent accident, natural disaster, etc.), how would you choose to go?
Nuked!
What movie have you seen the most often?
Ghostbusters.
Do you carry a defensive weapon (if yes, what is it?)?
I have a hammer in my car.
If you could have any useful device cybernetically implanted, what would it be and why?
I'd rather not be a cyborg.
Would you be a tornado chaser?
Unquestionably - hells yeah!
Do you have a nemesis (a nemesis being someone close to you, but in competition with you) and/or do you have an arch-fiend (being someone who hates and wants to fucking destroy you)?
I don't really have a nemesis, except life at times. My arch enemy is Marcus Nispel (for that awful Texas Chain Saw remake), although he may redeem himself with the Friday remake. Remains to be seen.
Sunday, December 7, 2008
But it goes up to 11 [part 1].
From time to time, I dream up a smattering of questions that, while in all probability irrelevant to the world in which we live, still serve as an amusing distraction. If you (like me, obviously) have nothing better to do, feel free to take a few minutes out and indulge the questions. If you want more time to ponder, feel free to copy and paste the little fuckers. If your really bored, you can even send me the answers (in the form of a comment). Once again, anonymity, if desired, won't be a problem. I'll post my answers the following day as well
[Please answer as in depth, yet succinctly as possible.]
What was the most frustrating moment in your life (or embarrassing if you don’t mind divulging anonymously to strangers)?
If you were a color, what color would you be? Why?
What has been the most influential object in your life?
What would be on the soundtrack to your life (5 songs with band)?
How do you react to authority when cornered?
If you had to die in a malevolent fashion (i.e.) murder, violent accident, natural disaster, etc.), how would you choose to go?
What movie have you seen the most often?
Do you carry a defensive weapon (if yes, what is it?)?
If you could have any useful device cybernetically implanted, what would it be and why?
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Grand Guignol and the Art of Canned Ham (Theater of Blood)
"Can you imagine it?"
"Imagine what?" she said looking coy.
"Ok, you like a good horror flick, right?" I raised my eyebrows.
"Does the pope wear a stupid hat?"
"Depends on your perspective, I suppose. But if I were to grossly generalize your average horror film - emphasis on average - tends to be a touch underdone, right?"
"And that's a bad thing?" she shrugged.
"Also perspective dependent."
"Touche."
"And depending on what you consider low-brow, if you consider it to be bad, per se -"
"Quit being so goddamn middle of the road."
"Ok. But for the sake or argument, let's take your average viewer. Movies with a gore quotient (say on the Gore Score levels) above five, tend to be shafted in favor of psychological or "scary" films.
"I suppose your average Jane Six-pack (sic), when faced with a double feature option of Evil Dead and The Haunting would prefer The Haunting, probably."
"What if there were movies that had both high art and solid sanguinary spills?"
"I'd say it was made in the seventies in all likelihood."
"Correct you are. It's called Theater of Blood. It's a movie that takes a solid list of ingredients: good cast (Vincent Price, Diana Rigg, Ian Hendry, etc.), an amusing script and clever direction - plus a tongue well tucked into cheek - and utilizes them for an optimum cinematic effect.
"Spill it," she winked.
"Well, everyone knows the dichotomy of artist and critic; it's a love-hate sort of thing. Of course, the people who hate critics more than any other are the artists, writers, directors, etc. who find their work constantly defiled by wretched reviews.
"In seventies England, no one suffers the wrath of the critics more than Edward Lionheart. His Shakespearean company is drug over hot coals and razor wire by the entire Critics Circle - the poshest of the posh critics. When he loses their coveted Critics Choice award to a 'neophyte,' he can no longer bear it, and lavishes the critics with a hammy rendition of Hamlet before plunging off their penthouse balcony to his death."
"Brutal."
"Indeed. Sometime later, members of the Circle begin to die in horrible fashions. Their deaths are inspired by the gory demises fashioned by Shakespeare himself. Of course, everyone would suspect Lionheart, save the buffering factor of his own corporeal end."
"So did you just pull spoiler on me, or is it a punch-less who-done-it?"
"Oh, it's no mystery. Now I admit, this film does have a few flaws - such as the fact that no one bothered to look into Lionheart's demise more thoroughly. Also, his ability to escape from dramatic assaults takes some suspension of disbelief. Although they do manage to eschew much of it to his mad brilliance. Of course, the biggest curiosity - not a technical one anyhow - is how a man of such charismatic intelligence manages not to realize that he's a corny, scene-chewer of epic proportions."
"You know men and their egotistical pride."
"So there are some flaws, a couple of plot holes, but -"
"But..."
"Put it this way, the film's pluses distinctly outweigh its negatives."
"Such as?"
"Well, I already mentioned the stellar acting. Diana Rigg (Emma Peel from the Avengers) is ravishing and her acting is subtle, yet lush - at times. Handry and a cast of veteran thesps. also provide solid and fascinating characters, between the haute couture Circle and the befuddled police.
"But the true feast is our consummate chiller actor Mr. Price. Its a perfect role for a man of his ability and he takes the ham-sandwich and transforms it into gourmet fare. Of course all ready known for chewing the occasional scene (brilliantly!) he becomes the maw of a black hole - enveloping our attention.
"In addition to thespic glory, it has superb set design and the set pieces abound with sublime Shakespearean menace. And does the stage ever run red. We have surgically severed heads, impalings and the odd electrocution - all wickedly executed.
"Director Douglas Hickcox knows how to pace a film as well. The veteran auteur sets up solid camera angles and framing to create proper menace and spectacle. Writer Anthony Greville-Bell's gallows humor plays well off the pomposity of the major characters and also the suspenseful under- and overtones. They really pull off a genuinely entertaining story on top of everything else.
"Plus, I'll never forget the disgusted looks Lionheart shoots his assistant during the bedroom surgery. Classic!"
She looked at me with piqued interest.
"If I didn't know any better, I would have thought you were reviewing it."
"Yeah I suppose so."
"Sounds like a hell of a horror-comedy, though. And I don't use that combination lightly. Where can I find it?"
"It's out on DVD (MGM's Midnight Movies imprint - some impressive films, thoroughly unimpressive features). Shouldn't be to hard to find. But, since you're my friend, I'll lend you my copy."
"Thank you kindly, I look forward to the massacre."
"As well you ought to."
"Imagine what?" she said looking coy.
"Ok, you like a good horror flick, right?" I raised my eyebrows.
"Does the pope wear a stupid hat?"
"Depends on your perspective, I suppose. But if I were to grossly generalize your average horror film - emphasis on average - tends to be a touch underdone, right?"
"And that's a bad thing?" she shrugged.
"Also perspective dependent."
"Touche."
"And depending on what you consider low-brow, if you consider it to be bad, per se -"
"Quit being so goddamn middle of the road."
"Ok. But for the sake or argument, let's take your average viewer. Movies with a gore quotient (say on the Gore Score levels) above five, tend to be shafted in favor of psychological or "scary" films.
"I suppose your average Jane Six-pack (sic), when faced with a double feature option of Evil Dead and The Haunting would prefer The Haunting, probably."
"What if there were movies that had both high art and solid sanguinary spills?"
"I'd say it was made in the seventies in all likelihood."
"Correct you are. It's called Theater of Blood. It's a movie that takes a solid list of ingredients: good cast (Vincent Price, Diana Rigg, Ian Hendry, etc.), an amusing script and clever direction - plus a tongue well tucked into cheek - and utilizes them for an optimum cinematic effect.
"Spill it," she winked.
"Well, everyone knows the dichotomy of artist and critic; it's a love-hate sort of thing. Of course, the people who hate critics more than any other are the artists, writers, directors, etc. who find their work constantly defiled by wretched reviews.
"In seventies England, no one suffers the wrath of the critics more than Edward Lionheart. His Shakespearean company is drug over hot coals and razor wire by the entire Critics Circle - the poshest of the posh critics. When he loses their coveted Critics Choice award to a 'neophyte,' he can no longer bear it, and lavishes the critics with a hammy rendition of Hamlet before plunging off their penthouse balcony to his death."
"Brutal."
"Indeed. Sometime later, members of the Circle begin to die in horrible fashions. Their deaths are inspired by the gory demises fashioned by Shakespeare himself. Of course, everyone would suspect Lionheart, save the buffering factor of his own corporeal end."
"So did you just pull spoiler on me, or is it a punch-less who-done-it?"
"Oh, it's no mystery. Now I admit, this film does have a few flaws - such as the fact that no one bothered to look into Lionheart's demise more thoroughly. Also, his ability to escape from dramatic assaults takes some suspension of disbelief. Although they do manage to eschew much of it to his mad brilliance. Of course, the biggest curiosity - not a technical one anyhow - is how a man of such charismatic intelligence manages not to realize that he's a corny, scene-chewer of epic proportions."
"You know men and their egotistical pride."
"So there are some flaws, a couple of plot holes, but -"
"But..."
"Put it this way, the film's pluses distinctly outweigh its negatives."
"Such as?"
"Well, I already mentioned the stellar acting. Diana Rigg (Emma Peel from the Avengers) is ravishing and her acting is subtle, yet lush - at times. Handry and a cast of veteran thesps. also provide solid and fascinating characters, between the haute couture Circle and the befuddled police.
"But the true feast is our consummate chiller actor Mr. Price. Its a perfect role for a man of his ability and he takes the ham-sandwich and transforms it into gourmet fare. Of course all ready known for chewing the occasional scene (brilliantly!) he becomes the maw of a black hole - enveloping our attention.
"In addition to thespic glory, it has superb set design and the set pieces abound with sublime Shakespearean menace. And does the stage ever run red. We have surgically severed heads, impalings and the odd electrocution - all wickedly executed.
"Director Douglas Hickcox knows how to pace a film as well. The veteran auteur sets up solid camera angles and framing to create proper menace and spectacle. Writer Anthony Greville-Bell's gallows humor plays well off the pomposity of the major characters and also the suspenseful under- and overtones. They really pull off a genuinely entertaining story on top of everything else.
"Plus, I'll never forget the disgusted looks Lionheart shoots his assistant during the bedroom surgery. Classic!"
She looked at me with piqued interest.
"If I didn't know any better, I would have thought you were reviewing it."
"Yeah I suppose so."
"Sounds like a hell of a horror-comedy, though. And I don't use that combination lightly. Where can I find it?"
"It's out on DVD (MGM's Midnight Movies imprint - some impressive films, thoroughly unimpressive features). Shouldn't be to hard to find. But, since you're my friend, I'll lend you my copy."
"Thank you kindly, I look forward to the massacre."
"As well you ought to."
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