Several times a day...
1. I follow the leader.
2. I contemplate the existence of Jebus.
3. I fall down laughing from Existential Irony.
4. I attempt to decipher (on my own) the Rosetta Stone.
5. I meet with my superiors to determine the best way to assassinate world leaders.
6. I watch television.
7. I end my long career in journalism.
8. I await orgasm with baited breath.
9. I watch my neighbor's murder through the back window of my apartment.
10. I supplement my CCG collection on Ebay.
11. I find substance where there is none.
Showing posts with label but it goes up to 11 (queries). Show all posts
Showing posts with label but it goes up to 11 (queries). Show all posts
Saturday, July 23, 2011
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
What qualifies as an unusual day?
1. A man (my second customer of the day) refuses to pay eighty-nine cents more than his assumption of an original, post-tax purchase of plastic, display flowers, and argues with me, a co-worker and a manager in Spanish for five minutes.
2. The night before, I have trouble sleeping on account of strange dreams involving sinister shadow-shapes trying to abduct Nicole and I. That and work until close (one am) and have to be at work at ten am the next morning. I've always had trouble calming down when I work late. I don't know why.
3. When the couple in front of her don't have enough food stamps to pay for their order, they walk off, never to return (this is not abnormal). After waiting for a considerable amount of time, enough to clear out and return their order - and upon finding her Chicken Salad sans any price or UPC code - she is still remarkably cordial.
4. A man, upon finding out he was accidentally charged for the next customer's soda, rather than making a stink or requesting a refund, simply gives the other fellow the soda.
5. I find out that my college transcript, which was supposed to be sent to a prospective college a month ago, is being held, pending my summer semester grades. Problem being: I'm not taking any summer courses.
6. I hit my elbow against a basket and rather than the old tingling, funny-bone action as per usual, an odd pain leaps up my arm, causing me to get really fucking dizzy.
7. Its not bad enough I'm running around pushing baskets in the blacktop at 103 degrees Fahrenheit, but on top of that, a bunch of cranky, just after nine-to-fivers keep nearly running me over in their quest for the perfect parking spot.
All things considered, yesterday was a fucked up day.
2. The night before, I have trouble sleeping on account of strange dreams involving sinister shadow-shapes trying to abduct Nicole and I. That and work until close (one am) and have to be at work at ten am the next morning. I've always had trouble calming down when I work late. I don't know why.
3. When the couple in front of her don't have enough food stamps to pay for their order, they walk off, never to return (this is not abnormal). After waiting for a considerable amount of time, enough to clear out and return their order - and upon finding her Chicken Salad sans any price or UPC code - she is still remarkably cordial.
4. A man, upon finding out he was accidentally charged for the next customer's soda, rather than making a stink or requesting a refund, simply gives the other fellow the soda.
5. I find out that my college transcript, which was supposed to be sent to a prospective college a month ago, is being held, pending my summer semester grades. Problem being: I'm not taking any summer courses.
6. I hit my elbow against a basket and rather than the old tingling, funny-bone action as per usual, an odd pain leaps up my arm, causing me to get really fucking dizzy.
7. Its not bad enough I'm running around pushing baskets in the blacktop at 103 degrees Fahrenheit, but on top of that, a bunch of cranky, just after nine-to-fivers keep nearly running me over in their quest for the perfect parking spot.
All things considered, yesterday was a fucked up day.
Thursday, March 3, 2011
I inquire, I respond #2 - answer key (for those playing along)
And now, the answers to those brain-boggling questions from Ir,Iq#2:
1. Do you file 0, 1, or 2, etc. on your W4s?
Shouldn't you buy me dinner before asking such personal questions? Whichever one lets the government have less of my money to start unjustified wars with.
2. Have you ever thought about leaping from a tall building - not to die, but to find out what falling that far feels like?
Every time I'm in a tall building.
3. Would you, if you could get away with it socially, tell people your unvarnished, abject opinions?
I'd like to say yes, but in reality, I'd still probably be too polite to smite someone like that.
4. What is your earliest childhood memory/how far back can you remember your formative years?
My earliest childhood memory is holding my baby sister when I was two. Otherwise, breaking my leg at 3-ish years old.
5. If you were forced to give up either the ability to read or the capacity to enjoy music, which would you choose and why?
In either scenario, hand me the pistol - I'm done!
6. What horror movie would you be in and why?
Dario Argento's Inferno - because its so surreal and it makes little sense. I'd be all right with dying for a chance to live in that wacky part of Italy.
7. Do you believe the term "racism" is valid? Why or why not?
Racism is an archaic and invalid expression. It refers to the bigoted notion that the human "race" is made up of subspecies, which is thoroughly and utterly ludicrous and scientifically unsound. It has as much credence to it as creationism. If the world was actually created several thousand years ago, then maybe various skin tones and ethnicities would actually have major physical and mental differences.
8. What would you choose to power your dream-car?
Bullshit - we've got an endless supply of it on this planet!
9. Where is your ideal place to live?
My dream residence is a little villa on the coast of Spain! Mas cervesa, mas margaritas y tapas vegetariana por favor!
10. Do you ever have brainstorms while going to the bathroom?
Sheesh, are you gonna ask me about my last physical next? Yes! The bathroom seems an oddly fertile place for creative ideas. Next best place: when I'm in bed, just about to fall asleep.
11. If you could get a hold of a time machine, but were only allowed one trip into the past or future (knowing you could not alter anything, merely observe), what would you do with your trip?
I want to say something profound, like watch the first man-fish take its initial steps from the water, or catch Gutenberg as he designed and built his printing press, but I'd probably just check out Otis Redding in his prime, or hop to a Stoodges/MC5 show circa '69.
1. Do you file 0, 1, or 2, etc. on your W4s?
Shouldn't you buy me dinner before asking such personal questions? Whichever one lets the government have less of my money to start unjustified wars with.
2. Have you ever thought about leaping from a tall building - not to die, but to find out what falling that far feels like?
Every time I'm in a tall building.
3. Would you, if you could get away with it socially, tell people your unvarnished, abject opinions?
I'd like to say yes, but in reality, I'd still probably be too polite to smite someone like that.
4. What is your earliest childhood memory/how far back can you remember your formative years?
My earliest childhood memory is holding my baby sister when I was two. Otherwise, breaking my leg at 3-ish years old.
5. If you were forced to give up either the ability to read or the capacity to enjoy music, which would you choose and why?
In either scenario, hand me the pistol - I'm done!
6. What horror movie would you be in and why?
Dario Argento's Inferno - because its so surreal and it makes little sense. I'd be all right with dying for a chance to live in that wacky part of Italy.
7. Do you believe the term "racism" is valid? Why or why not?
Racism is an archaic and invalid expression. It refers to the bigoted notion that the human "race" is made up of subspecies, which is thoroughly and utterly ludicrous and scientifically unsound. It has as much credence to it as creationism. If the world was actually created several thousand years ago, then maybe various skin tones and ethnicities would actually have major physical and mental differences.
8. What would you choose to power your dream-car?
Bullshit - we've got an endless supply of it on this planet!
9. Where is your ideal place to live?
My dream residence is a little villa on the coast of Spain! Mas cervesa, mas margaritas y tapas vegetariana por favor!
10. Do you ever have brainstorms while going to the bathroom?
Sheesh, are you gonna ask me about my last physical next? Yes! The bathroom seems an oddly fertile place for creative ideas. Next best place: when I'm in bed, just about to fall asleep.
11. If you could get a hold of a time machine, but were only allowed one trip into the past or future (knowing you could not alter anything, merely observe), what would you do with your trip?
I want to say something profound, like watch the first man-fish take its initial steps from the water, or catch Gutenberg as he designed and built his printing press, but I'd probably just check out Otis Redding in his prime, or hop to a Stoodges/MC5 show circa '69.
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
I inquire, I respond #2
Do you really want to know more about me, or more about yourselves? Maybe not, but in the interest of further self-exploration and self-aggrandizement, I present the second installment of I inquire, I respond (or IiIr for laziness):
1. Do you file 0, 1, or 2, etc. on your W4s?
2. Have you ever thought about leaping from a tall building - not to die, but to find out what falling that far feels like?
3. Would you, if you could get away with it socially, tell people your unvarnished, abject opinions?
4. What is your earliest childhood memory/how far back can you remember your formative years?
5. If you were forced to give up either the ability to read or the capacity to enjoy music, which would you choose and why?
6. What horror movie would you be in and why?
7. Do you believe the term "racism" is valid? Why or why not?
8. What would you choose to power your dream-car?
9. Where is your ideal place to live?
10. Do you ever have brainstorms while going to the bathroom?
11. If you could get a hold of a time machine, but were only allowed one trip into the past or future (knowing you could not alter anything, merely observe), what would you do with your trip?
(answers forthcoming)
1. Do you file 0, 1, or 2, etc. on your W4s?
2. Have you ever thought about leaping from a tall building - not to die, but to find out what falling that far feels like?
3. Would you, if you could get away with it socially, tell people your unvarnished, abject opinions?
4. What is your earliest childhood memory/how far back can you remember your formative years?
5. If you were forced to give up either the ability to read or the capacity to enjoy music, which would you choose and why?
6. What horror movie would you be in and why?
7. Do you believe the term "racism" is valid? Why or why not?
8. What would you choose to power your dream-car?
9. Where is your ideal place to live?
10. Do you ever have brainstorms while going to the bathroom?
11. If you could get a hold of a time machine, but were only allowed one trip into the past or future (knowing you could not alter anything, merely observe), what would you do with your trip?
(answers forthcoming)
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Eleven Reasons Austin is Kick-Ass
1. There is a brilliance to downtown, especially when it shines through a hazy November night.
2. T-Shirts and shorts are not-irregular accoutrements in December.
3. How many different shows could I go to on a weekly basis in Madison, WI? 10-12. How many shows can i go to in Austin on a nightly basis? 10-15. Sweetness!
4. Bats under a bridge - fuck yeah!
5. Did I mention muthafuckin' shorts in mothafuckin' December!
6. Hungry around bar time? Walk down the street, towards the nearest mobile cart to burritos, pizza, veggie dogs, gyros and various other moderately overpriced delights all from the comfort of your boozy swagger.
7. The drive time from Madison to the Gulf Coast is approximately 23 hours. The drive time from Austin to the Gulf Coast is approximately 3.5 hours. Once those oil balls dissipate, its time for some serious coastal action.
8. You get a free gun when you buy a hundred dollars worth of booze (just kidding Austinians!).
9. Pizza made with beer in the crust!
10. Because to my difficulties navigating in new places - perhaps due to my easy directional disorientation (yes, I was one of those kids that made the L and backwards L in school) - I appreciate cities with street layouts and names that make sense: one of these being Willie Nelson Boulevard!
11. Terror Tuesdays at the Alamo Drafthouse!
2. T-Shirts and shorts are not-irregular accoutrements in December.
3. How many different shows could I go to on a weekly basis in Madison, WI? 10-12. How many shows can i go to in Austin on a nightly basis? 10-15. Sweetness!
4. Bats under a bridge - fuck yeah!
5. Did I mention muthafuckin' shorts in mothafuckin' December!
6. Hungry around bar time? Walk down the street, towards the nearest mobile cart to burritos, pizza, veggie dogs, gyros and various other moderately overpriced delights all from the comfort of your boozy swagger.
7. The drive time from Madison to the Gulf Coast is approximately 23 hours. The drive time from Austin to the Gulf Coast is approximately 3.5 hours. Once those oil balls dissipate, its time for some serious coastal action.
8. You get a free gun when you buy a hundred dollars worth of booze (just kidding Austinians!).
9. Pizza made with beer in the crust!
10. Because to my difficulties navigating in new places - perhaps due to my easy directional disorientation (yes, I was one of those kids that made the L and backwards L in school) - I appreciate cities with street layouts and names that make sense: one of these being Willie Nelson Boulevard!
11. Terror Tuesdays at the Alamo Drafthouse!
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
I inquire, I respond.
What was the most frustrating moment in your life (or embarrassing if you don’t mind divulging anonymously to strangers)?
Getting a DWI test across the street from the liquor store was pretty embarrassing (I was sober).
If you were a color, what color would you be? Why?
Navy blue or twilight - so I could blend in with the night when I stood by open water.
What has been the most influential object in your life?
My stereo.
What would be on the soundtrack to your life (5 songs with band)?
Concrete Jungle (The Specials). Tools of the Trade (Carcass). State of Fear (State of Fear). Seaweed (The Gits). Kinda Blue (Miles Davis).
How do you react to authority when cornered?
Begrudging respect or moderate annoyance is my typical response (depending on who said authority is).
If you had to die in a malevolent fashion (i.e.) murder, violent accident, natural disaster, etc.), how would you choose to go?
Nuked!
What movie have you seen the most often?
Ghostbusters.
Do you carry a defensive weapon (if yes, what is it?)?
I have a hammer in my car.
If you could have any useful device cybernetically implanted, what would it be and why?
I'd rather not be a cyborg.
Would you be a tornado chaser?
Unquestionably - hells yeah!
Do you have a nemesis (a nemesis being someone close to you, but in competition with you) and/or do you have an arch-fiend (being someone who hates and wants to fucking destroy you)?
I don't really have a nemesis, except life at times. My arch enemy is Marcus Nispel (for that awful Texas Chain Saw remake), although he may redeem himself with the Friday remake. Remains to be seen.
Getting a DWI test across the street from the liquor store was pretty embarrassing (I was sober).
If you were a color, what color would you be? Why?
Navy blue or twilight - so I could blend in with the night when I stood by open water.
What has been the most influential object in your life?
My stereo.
What would be on the soundtrack to your life (5 songs with band)?
Concrete Jungle (The Specials). Tools of the Trade (Carcass). State of Fear (State of Fear). Seaweed (The Gits). Kinda Blue (Miles Davis).
How do you react to authority when cornered?
Begrudging respect or moderate annoyance is my typical response (depending on who said authority is).
If you had to die in a malevolent fashion (i.e.) murder, violent accident, natural disaster, etc.), how would you choose to go?
Nuked!
What movie have you seen the most often?
Ghostbusters.
Do you carry a defensive weapon (if yes, what is it?)?
I have a hammer in my car.
If you could have any useful device cybernetically implanted, what would it be and why?
I'd rather not be a cyborg.
Would you be a tornado chaser?
Unquestionably - hells yeah!
Do you have a nemesis (a nemesis being someone close to you, but in competition with you) and/or do you have an arch-fiend (being someone who hates and wants to fucking destroy you)?
I don't really have a nemesis, except life at times. My arch enemy is Marcus Nispel (for that awful Texas Chain Saw remake), although he may redeem himself with the Friday remake. Remains to be seen.
Sunday, December 7, 2008
But it goes up to 11 [part 1].
From time to time, I dream up a smattering of questions that, while in all probability irrelevant to the world in which we live, still serve as an amusing distraction. If you (like me, obviously) have nothing better to do, feel free to take a few minutes out and indulge the questions. If you want more time to ponder, feel free to copy and paste the little fuckers. If your really bored, you can even send me the answers (in the form of a comment). Once again, anonymity, if desired, won't be a problem. I'll post my answers the following day as well
[Please answer as in depth, yet succinctly as possible.]
What was the most frustrating moment in your life (or embarrassing if you don’t mind divulging anonymously to strangers)?
If you were a color, what color would you be? Why?
What has been the most influential object in your life?
What would be on the soundtrack to your life (5 songs with band)?
How do you react to authority when cornered?
If you had to die in a malevolent fashion (i.e.) murder, violent accident, natural disaster, etc.), how would you choose to go?
What movie have you seen the most often?
Do you carry a defensive weapon (if yes, what is it?)?
If you could have any useful device cybernetically implanted, what would it be and why?
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