They called me a lunatic. They said I was a fool, but I was there I tell ya. They said "look at the crazy old bum." Well, I might be a little eccentric, but I ain't crazy.
Y'see, these kids lived down in the junkyard that fat fuck ran. They had a sweet setup - a bit hard to believe how clever that setup was - but I guess them Gilligan's Island people did some crazy, ingenious shit too. These kids are real connivers, scamps. They eke out an existence by themselves cause their folks went crazy.
Older bro Fred, see he's a wildcat - fuckin' round with the local homeless; stealin', scammin', whatever floats his boat. But the younger kid Kevin, he ain't so good at it, so his older bro gets down on him. The little kid also hangs with this cute Asian chick (She got a crush on him, so I hear. Can't imagine how that works him bein' all filthy and whatnot) that's employed by the junkyard.
Across the fence though, is this wack-job Bronson - a real Vietnam headcase who runs the bum show. They let him push 'em around cause he's meaner than a cock-punched wolverine (he scared the shit outta me, lemme tell 'ya). He's got lieutenants like Wizzy; all nasty nutjob drunks. Don't blame 'em neither.
So this fat fuck Ed who runs the cheapie liquor store finds this crate of shit - Tenafly Viper - in his basement. Shit's gotta be 60 fuckin' years old. He sells it cheap. The real trouble starts when Fred pinches a bottle of it.
Turns out the shit's toxic (thought things got better with age, guess not cheap-jack liquor). Fred's bottle gets swiped by Paulie, one of Bronson's charges. He hides out on this old toilet, and from what I heard he just melts into this multicolored goo. Messed up shit!
From there, everything goes to shit. We got a he-man cop rovin' the streets, lookin' to put the squeeze on Bronson. Crazy mobsters and their drunken girlfriends runnin' around the place. Hell, some poor SOB even gets his John Hancock lopped off, and the nasty assholes play fuckin' keep away. Can you believe it!
I tell you, it may not be the most coherent shit I ever heard, but it sure is a crazy time. I wouldn't believed it if I ain't seen it with my own eyes. It's a gruesome spectacle, but one that I'll never forget. Swear to Holy Christ, if they ever made a movie about it, I'd probably watch it. Although I can't imagine it would make much sense, but I bet they'd get good special effects an' hopefully cast actors that don't suck at all.
I ain't yankin' your chain. It's all the Goddamn truth. I was there to see it. Not a bad little story, eh. Now, how about it bud, can you spare some change?
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